Jayla

05:32 pm: So. I'm not going to use this journal anymore. I'm tossing it out of the house like a redheaded stepchild.

I've made a new one instead: it's here

Friend me if you want to.

11:28 am: Hchokay. So.

My one day off of the session is on Tuesday, specifically from 11AM - 3PM on Wednesday. That means one night of freedom.

Anyone in the area who wants to visit me? Or, for that matter, anyone want to travel to Saratoga Springs, NY to visit me? I know it's quite the last minute request to make, but I figure you'll say no if you don't want to, no matter how much I try to guilt you.

I'm just really friendsick up here. And I'm not above bribes. Remember that.

08:52 pm: and by PM, I mean AM
Just went to my first passionfruit. It was so sad. It brought my back to my last day, when I literally felt like my life was ending, like I had finally found a place where I wasn't made fun of and I could feel like myself and free only to have the world was tear it away from me because of my age. I have since come into myself in a number of ways and found other environments, like Hampshire, to feel free in... but just the memory of that last day brought me close to tears. I wanted to reassure these students that it'll be alright, but I don't think they'd believe me.

Remember Dewfruit? Oh man, those were good times.

Forgive me for my constant nostalgia... I swear, I'm not this bad in person. I mostly just reminisce in this journal, where some people know what I'm talking about.

10:42 pm: Dude.

I'm an RA. AT CTY.

It's weird. Very cool, busy, demanding weird.

I have the best hall ever, though. I only have nine girls, they are writing people (pop culture, to be exact), and they are awesome. The only issue we've had so far is them being so excited to talk to each other that it's hard to get through the announcements.

10:29 pm: I think I need to start work earlier than it will actually start.

Being at home seems to consist of short periods of really happy moments interspersed with much longer periods of emo-time. I'm either annoyed at my parents/sister for saying something offensive or feeling extremely guilty because I told my parents/sister how angry I was and in the process said something that I regret, thereby ruining their days, when they work so hard and I don't.

Also, I was planning on going to Boston this week, but I'm beginning to think I won't go, because I feel guilty for not spending enough time with the family before I go to CTY. I'm thinking maybe I'll stay home instead and make it up to them by being an awesome sister and following through on at least some of the plans we made. I'm also thinking that if I stay home, I'll go insane.

I don't know.

08:56 pm: I am sitting here with Claire and showing her the joys of online journals. (She is giggling.)

ladidadi da di edsdfgbyhhffg1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

poo

(Claire typed the second two lines, actually.)

(Well, actually, the third line was all me.)

]levk3jhlrtqik;uh ladida!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Claire again. What a literary genius.)

02:47 am: So. An update on... myself. Hooray for livejournal and narcissistic forms of procrastination!

Everything seems to be due this week and the majority of it is due on my birthday. Kinda sucks. But on the bright side, this weekend is going to be kickass! To actually get things done must be a great feeling. I haven't had that since before Subroutine. Since before this semester, really.

I kind of miss Subroutine. Mostly because of the people... such a fun group of people. And we didn't even get to have a cast party.

So I officially got the job: I'm going to be an RA at Saratoga CTY this summer! It's going to be weird, to have all those amazing memories of that place, yet be on the other side of it all. I hope I won't start acting like an old lady, like
"Back in my day, we didn't actually need to be chaperoned in town."
or
"When I was a student here, we used to sit on this bench, and make fun of people, and rate how phallic my friend was on a scale of one to ten... It was so cool!"
Campers: *back away slowly*

I'm really going to miss this year when it ends. I feel like I've come so far since last year, let loose a lot more, felt free to try more things. I'll miss Mod 7, too, down to the very last ant. (not really)

02:24 am: ( ignore this if you're not Joey )

06:31 am: So this weekend, I got off campus. I went to New York to visit friends for two days, then I headed home for about a day. It wasn't exactly the thrilling, insightful, mind-opening experience I was hoping for, but it was definitely a break for my brain.

I think a nice thing that I realized from visiting a bunch of people (most of whom were family) and leaving other friends back at school is that I'm not always a nuisance. Some people need me. But that's a really scary thought too, because what if I can't do enough to help the people that need me? And they're all in different places, so how can I be there for all of them at once? And what about (as corny as this sounds) being there for myself?

Edited: I forgot to mention how awesome the people that I saw this weekend are. Also, that I can't until Spring Break. If I end up doing anything for Spring Break, that is.

09:50 am: Hey, Hampshire People!

Any of you driving to/through NYC tomorrow, by any chance? I will pay for your gas! Also, I'll shower you with lovin' of the platonic sort.

06:11 pm: So I'm not really one for memes, but I really really like this one, so please bear with me:

Please post a memory that involves me... whatever comes into your head. It can be good or bad. It will just be fun for me to look at the comments and get all nostalgic.

Hooray for livejournal dependancy.

So yesterday was really kickass. Good things kept happening. I hadn't gotten any sleep the night before, but I couldn't bring myself to crash yesterday. I just didn't want to disrupt the flow of YAY.

The highlights: I am officially a Div II, my advisor okayed my independant study and said she liked my writing, I got a care package from home, and I had the chance to pet Zipper for like a half hour. And it was a beautiful day.

How are all of you?

12:50 pm: Jan term is so snowy! I don't know how to deal with all the white!

My New Year's resolution has been to take more risks, but so far I haven't taken any. Maybe I should amend it to "talk to more strangers." It might be more doable.

Mod 7: Craziness or Stir-Craziness? We all need to go places. Dahlia and I had made plans to go see Finding Neverland tonight, but the bus-transferring thing is kinda hard with all the snow. And Katherine and I want to go on a day trip tomorrow, but once again, the snow makes busing more difficult. Especially when we don't know where we're going.

I just watched 5 episodes of Boy Meets World.

The pre-practicum is cool, though it got off to a slow start. I keep hearing the same lines from little kid songs in my head. like:

"I know that we can! Why can't we if we wanna yes we can can"

and

"Good 'ol Clifford, YEAH! The biiiig reeeed dooooog!"

I guess that's just a natural side-effect of shadowing a music teacher.

03:01 am: I think I might have a fever. Which sucks, because I still have a project and half a paper to finish by Thursday. AND I have to pack and clean, but I'm so tired and I can't sleep because I'm so hot.

Hampshire's awesome, but I really fucking HATE the last two weeks of semesters. Or maybe every college is like this.

09:42 pm: THE FACT THAT I'M UPDATING HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A CERTAIN FINAL PROJECT DUE WEDNESDAY
Ah, Thanksgiving break. I love me my breaks. I need them, you see, to remind me once again why I'm at Hampshire. Stamford people are crazy. And they think I'm weird.

Number of sentimental movies watched: 4
Number of parking lots visited: 6
Number of times I got asked what my major was: 4
Number of random people I knew at the diner: 13
Number of games I played with siblings: 5
Number of hours spent on preparing to protest Walmart: 4
Hours actually spent in front of Walmart: 0.5
Cigarettes I smoked: 1
Cigarettes I got offered: 6
Puberty books bought for little brother: 1
Good Catholic friends got in trouble with the cops: 2
Schoolwork accomplished: 0

10:41 pm: So when I got home from our five-day coven reunion, my dad was like, "So, what did you do?"
My reply went something like "Um... we did some shopping?"
We didn't actually do all that much, activity-wise. Yet I had an amazing time. And I realized that's because it wasn't about our adventures. It was about the company.

( a little list I made about the trip )

02:46 pm: Sappiness I thought I wouldn't feel
Home is weird.

I MISS EVERYONE ALREADY!!!

01:44 am: Hmmmm
Being bored as hell during Spring Break allows one to do absolutely pointless things, like Read Through All One's Old Diary Entries and Assess How Much One Has Changed.

It's true. Good old FOD. I realize that I wrote a lot more coherantly in that blog, because I knew who my audience was - all 4 of them. I was writing just to them, people who I loved and trusted, and who lived far away enough that I could tell them anything about my Stamford life and not worry about offending them. I was pretty honest. I sort of miss that.

We've been through a lot together, over those agonizing last two years of high school. It's amazing how we stayed close for that long. And I think, because of college and the "Include Everyone!" format of lj, we're finally losing touch.

Maybe it's not just that. Maybe it's me.

My FOD ends in May, when I realized something about myself. After that, my world literally changed. And a lot of the things that I wrote about in my diary, and the people that I wrote it for, disappeared for me. This sudden 'Truth' had such a firm grip on my mind that it overshadowed everything else.

The reunion is sooooo important to me, because I hate losing touch. I don't want that to happen to us.

To those of you who are confused by this extremely vague entry, I apologize. Back to old-diary-induced introspection.

There were certain trends/themes that continued throughout the months, that appeared in almost every entry. Here they were:
- how much I hate high school
- food/weight/dieting
- "Am I a fag hag?"
- Tim, and 'I really should like him'
- college
- theater
- depression/I don't have a life/Oh well, I'm better off than frosh and sophomore year

I'd like to think I've come a long way since then. I don't know, though. I feel like I just escaped for a while.

Maybe, if I'm bored, I'll post some of the "highlights" of my old entries.

12:43 am: My play is going to be part of New Play Fest!!! And so is Kevin's! Insane amounts of joy!

01:16 pm: Okay, that colorquiz.com thing is indeed creepy. I mean, maybe I'm gullible, but I don't think it was that vague. Here:

"Has an unsatisfied need to ally herself with others whose standards are as high as her own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates her and inhibits her readiness to give herself freely. While she wants to surrender and let herself go, she regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, she feels, will lift her above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering her chances of success or undermining others' confidence in herself."

I would update further, but I think I'll take a nap instead.

01:28 am: I guess I haven't written much lately because, well, I've been thinking in angsty cliches and everyone's sick of reading those on online diaries.

I went to Boston this weekend. That was cool. My friend Kate is coming up this weekend. That will also be cool. (She's a prospy) My classes are all really interesting. Once again, cool.

I don't know. I feel like everything should be perfect, and that I should be strong for my friends who need someone to listen. But I just want to sleep for a few days, or something.